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22 August 2014

By Gover O'Connell - Follow @GoverOConnell

So, in a stunning turn of events... Well not really, just a phone call with a certain South Adelaidean Prez, I’m now writing articles on this fantastic L-Files website.

Let me start off this first (of hopefully) many by rating Liverpool’s transfers in the summer 2014 -15 window, bearing in mind that there is still a couple of weeks left so all information is up to date as of the 22/08/2014.

The criteria that I’ll be using is slightly different than what most would consider, there are many people out there offering an opinion piece smarter and more knowledgeable then I and I will not tarnish my name by comparing myself to anyone of those.

I do have a reputation and street cred to uphold, now let me introduce the criteria that I’ll be using as a measuring stick.

Swoon Factor: For those that don’t know or have never heard of swoon, it is a state of ecstasy or rapture. That being said, can the new signing get me excited, is there any frontal movement or arousement of the crotchal area? It’s not an exact science by any means, more so, a personal feeling and as such they will be scored out of 10 on this… 1 being flaccid and 10 is the zip holding on for its life.

Looks: How does said player look, are they a handsome man, a rough burley chap, someone that you’d run in the opposite direction if you saw coming or are they a plain Jane. Could be the most controversial of all the ‘Measuring Sticks’ but I like my players to look a particular way. A good balance / mixture of mad looking men with Xabi Alonsos are a must for any team to be a success. If the player is a mean looking bugga, I’ll measure him on how mean he looks, if he’s a Xabi, I’ll measure him on how Xabi he actually is and so forth.

Hair: Having a good set of hair is really understated, however, throwing a caveat in with that, if you’re bald, you had better own it. If you look like you spend way too much time drinking your own bath water looking in the mirror while doing your hair, points will be deducted.

Name: The players name isn’t important, its critical to falling in love with them. How the bloody hell can you warm to Jonjo Shevely, what is a Jonjo?! If the players name is boss, it’ll end up in a song, if it’s fun to say or sounds sexy, fans will fall in love… this rating will out of 10 as well.

So now the parameters are set, let’s start off:

Dejan lovren

Swoon Factor: Dejan looks the goods, he commands the back line, is loud, organises, and scores goals. You just cannot help but swoon like a maniac when we get a corner. He bloody scored that bullet header against Dortmund. The Swoon factor at the moment is very close to bursting my zipper right open. 9/10... Keep it up, I’m almost there lad.

Looks: He’s a unit, looks bad as hell on the pitch but with a cheekiness about him. Quite impressed. Could be the best looking defender we have. 7/10.

Hair: Solid haircut, quite neat without being a ken doll. Happy enough but he’ll need to keep it looked after, any longer and it could be entering uncharted water. 7/10

Name: Dejan as a first name isn’t too bad, I actually quite like it, not sure how I feel about lovren, surname seems a bit hard for Dejan. Still a tad undecided... Going with a solid 6/10

All up 29/40. Off to a good start.

Rickie Lambert

Swoon Factor: As of right now, he has lost all of the feel good swoonage that I felt when we signed him. Mr. I’ve scored the last 684 penalties in a row, first one for the reds and what happens? HE MISSED!! It’s almost inverted at the moment, a lot of work to do Rickie to get me moving again. 3/10 (and he only got that because he’s a scouser).

Looks: Good solid jaw, the stubble is a big plus, looks like a proper man. He’s been around the block a few times and he looks it (in a good way). 6/10

Hair: Not a lot going on here, a bit of gel in his hair and sometimes less is more. 6/10

Name: Rickie Lambert sounds a bit bogan, nothing sexy here. Only plus is that it sound be easy enough to slot into a decent song.. Ohh Rickie you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind.. 6/10

All up 21/10.. Got a bit of work to do here Rickie.

Alberto Moreno

Swoon Factor: Not a huge amount, never seen him play so I can’t really give him anything, we do now have a LB that’s not a 12 years old. A lot of making up for keeping the Flanno out of the team... If he doesn’t score a cracking goal and get wood, he’ll have explaining to do. At this stage is a 4/10

Looks: As of right now and the twitter pics I’ve seen.. Alberto is the love child of Stevie G and Xabi, which will blow a hole clean out of Liverpool supporter’s pants. 10/10, He also has a stunning resemblance to LFC Melbournes own @BrianRevell9 - for that a cheeky bonus point so 11/10

Hair: Quite suave, he’s only young so he can get away with some funky hair dos, this will conflict with other reviews but it’s mine so I shall give the lad a 6/10

Name: Very average, not happy Jan. Alberto Moreno could be one of the least Spanish names I’ve ever heard. Who will get Moreno on their back? WHO!!?? 3/10

All up 24/40, pass mark with plenty of room for improvement.

Javier Manquillo

Swoon Factor: Unusually quite high, I don’t know what it is about this fella but he gives me a bit of movement. It could be that he may keep Glen Johnson out of the team, it could be that he looks boss, it could be something I haven’t thought about yet but its definitely there. 7/10

Looks: First word that comes to mind is boyish charm, he’s a solid lad but has that look about him that you’d want to take him home to mum. 7/10

Hair: Like Moreno, however, looks more natural. Hasn’t spent a lot of time to look this flash and I rate that. 7/10

Name: This is where he has it over most of the signings hands down. Frist name Javier, you can roll your tongue with that and Manquillo, and with those silent L’s in there it’s just bloody well fantastic. 9/10

All up 31/40 but loses 3 points for being a loan. SIGN UP LAD. 28/40

Adam Lallana

Swoon Factor: Ok, so I’m going off previous swoonage with Mr Lallana. He really looks boss. Cannot wait to see him run out with the reds based on his Southampton and England performances, so this anticipation swoon has me thinking of Adam running amok in our midfield. Gets the blood pumping. 8/10

Looks: Now Adam Lallana, I know at least two lady friends that would love to kick your balls around, one in particular realllly wants to see you run out on the pitch, going by their anticipation it’s got to be a 10/10

Hair: Good hair, great hair even. It’ll look fabulous flowing while you’re bossing the midfield. Rocking it with a 8/10

Name: Well, Lallana has amazing rhyming potential. No complaints here. 7/10

All up, he’s a superstar. 33/40

Emre Can

Swoon Factor: Emre has looked brilliant pre-season, strutted around the pitch like he owned it, could be a ripping player. Slightly concerned that Lucas got the nod ahead of him in the opening game. Was sitting up around a 8 or 9 / 10 but with Lucas playing ahead deflated my groin ever so slightly so I have to go the 7/10.

Looks: Solid, stocky and a tad spicy. That dark look and eyes that look into your soul. He’ll scare other team’s pants off. 7/10

Hair: Have to say, not a fan here. Spends way too much time on his hair. Enough product in there to last a lifetime, however, nice thick rug there. 6/10

Name: Marking down points here because there has been way too many people asking and trying to figure out how to pronounce Can. 6/10

All up a 26/40, I really like this kid, more of what we saw in the pre-season please. And Brendan, play the kid for the love of god.

Lazar Markovic

Swoon Factor: Big wraps coming from the Gaffa, he’s excited so who am I not to be! He’s meant to be quick and the thought of him terrorising defenders with Continho, Sturridge, Sterling, Balotelli and co is reallllllly exciting. It’s around a ¾ chub. 7/10

Looks: Now, I’m not here to beat up on people’s looks, but Lazar doesn’t help himself here. Those eyebrows are way too prevalent on his face and the next section will go through what I think about that hair do. Also needs a cheeseburger, a little skinny for my liking. 5/10

Hair: He isn’t an Italian from the 90’s and doesn’t look great. I have no other option but to suggest he sees a stylist and cuts it, seems a tad harsh but he is no Pirlo. Maybe he needs to grow an amazing beard like the maestro… Then again, maybe not. 2/10

Name: IT’S A FREAKING LAZAR BEAM ATTACHED TO A FREAKING SHARKS HEAD!! Lazar, that’s absolutely brilliant. Markovic, I can warm to but it’s a 9/10 for being an optical amplification of light that Dr Evil desperately wants.

23/40, just a pass mark. Very lucky he has a killer name... Haha Killer!

Mario Balotelli

Swoon Factor: It’s Mario Balotelli. If he doesn’t have you swooning for his insane goals and pants busting awesomeness, no one will. 10/10

Looks: It’s Mario Balotelli. It doesn’t matter what I think, He knows what’s going down. Plus those abs… I know where I’m going if my washing machine breaks down. 10/10

Hair: It’s Mario Balotelli. Changes as much as you change your underwear but it’s always super fly. 10/10

Name: It’s Mario Balotelli. It just creates an amazing sense of nostalgia humming the Mario Bros. song, plus he’s Sicilian. Balotelli is as Italian as the Japanese created little plumber man we all adore so much. 10/10

40/40. Perfection.

Final scores

So the final scores here:

Mario Balotelli: 40/40
Adam Lallana: 33/40
Dejan lovren: 29/40
Javier Manquillo: 28/40
Emre Can: 26/40
Alberto Moreno: 24/40
Lazar Markovic 23/40
Rickie Lambert: 21/40

What do you think, have I got it wrong, am I spot on or would you like to tell me how fantastic this article is? Let me know in the comments below.

Cheers and beers,

Gover O’Connell

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